Hi, How Are You?

The phone rings and you answer, and the person on the other end greets you saying,

• “Hi, how are you?” 

You might reply with,

• “I’m fine thanks and you?”

You walk into a grocery store and the cashier says,

• “Hi, how are you today?”

You might look up and give a half smile and say,

• “Fine.”

A friend asks you out for lunch and when you arrive to the restaurant, your friend says,

• “Hey, how are you doing?”

You may look at your friend and say,

• “Okay and you?”

It seems that whenever someone asks, “How are you doing?” it is more of an instant response or automatic statement. No matter how a person is doing, it seems just as automatic for them to answer with “Fine”, “Okay” or “Good.

Is the person who is asking really interested in how the other is doing or is it more of a “let’s do lunch” response? Think about it for a moment, when you ask someone how they are, are you ready for their reaction?

This happened to me....I was asked how I was and as I went to answer, the person continued inthe direction they were going and walked away. So, I thought to myself, "I guess they really weren't interested in how I am doing, so they shouldn't ask."

Do you really want to know how they are doing? What if that person really is in need that day, you ask how they are and while you are asking you are thinking about your next sentence and overlook the situation? 

Let’s be sensitive to who we meet each day, and give a greeting with warmth. Whether it is someone you know very well or people you run into during everyday life such as the guy pushing your cart out to the car, the people drying off your vehicle at the car wash, the hostess at a restaurant, or the gas station attendant, let’s show that we are interested in them. You might be surprised at the response you get, or better yet, how you will feel by making someone else smile.

It is amazing what a little interest in another person can do for their self confidence. We all have an opportunity to bring a little sunshine into the lives of every person we meet. Yes, this can happen with just a sincere, “Hi, how is your day going?”

There is power of life and death in your words. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

 "Hi, How Are You?"

Written by Vicki F. Duffy - copywritten material

What Are You Hiding?

 Think about it: have you ever told a fib or lie? Think hard. :-)

• Maybe you were 'afraid' to get in trouble so you left out some details to avoid punishment.

• Have you ever kept the truth from someone and lied to a person about something important?

• Maybe you felt that because they didn't ask you a question outrightly, that gave you the right to withhold information.

• Have you ever wanted to be something that you are not, or even be someone else, and you lead people to believe that is true?

News flash: A half truth equals a whole lie!

It can be okay to have desires toward other things and even admiration toward another person, however when you want to become them and you say that you are, then that is not telling the truth. 

Have you ever had a conversation with someone about a particular situation (event, party, family gathering, etc) and you embellish the details because your topic doesn't seem as exciting as what they are sharing?

• Have you ever left certain details out of a conversation to avoid conflict because you believed that if you didn't say it then you didn't lie?

• How about a little 'white lie', you know those little ones that don't mean much?

• There is no such thing as a 'white lie', let's face it a lie is a lie and the truth is the truth.

• By lying we can eventually believe that lie to be true as time goes on. It is important that we focus on the truth and are truthful to others as well as ourselves. Let whatever comes out of your mouth be something good.

The truth can and will set you free in all areas of your life!

"What Are You Hiding" (truth and lies)

written by Vicki Freund Duffy

Why Would You Hurt Yourself?

“Why would somebody do THAT to their body?” That is the question I receive most regarding the topic of self-injury, or self-inflicted violence as it is often called. Why a person would cut their own skin, stab at their body, pull out their hair from the roots, brand their skin with metal objects, burn themselves with flames, or apply scarification, differs from person to person. Not only are there different styles and severities, like its name, it is done by oneself to self as a way to cope with tension, overwhelming emotions or deal with specific situations.

There are many things in our daily lives that we can do (positive or negative) in order to relieve tension, which is also known as worry, pressure, stress, nervousness, anxiety and apprehension. As a way to gain control, self-injury is one of the unhealthy coping mechanisms used as a release.

Okay, so most know that self-injury is defined as self-inflicted pain and violence to self. I have found over the years that those who cause self-inflicted pain and injuries simply refer to themselves as a “cutter”. By doing this, that becomes their identity. I tell people, “If I continued to refer to myself as a cutter or a burner that is who I would remain because I would not be able to see past that label I gave myself.” Now, I believe if you have an issue or addiction, you need to “own up” to those issues, addictions or what you may be struggling with, however, what a person is struggling with doesn’t have to define the person.

Cutting and burning is not new, self-destructive behavior is actually mentioned in the Bible in chapter five of the book of Mark where a man had been cutting himself with stones night and day. The misconception is that self-injury is a “teen girl issue”. In actuality it is far from being only a teenagers issue. Don’t be surprised if a 50 year-old woman approaches the pastor stating she has been pulling her hair for fifteen years, or the meek and mild 30 year-old man approaches you that he has been punching and cutting himself since he was 20 years old.

At 8 years old, I began hitting myself with bricks and rocks, as a way to punish myself for what I perceived was a deserved punishment. I also harmed myself to express my inner pain. Years later, that progressed to cutting and then to burning specific areas on my body. This happened up to my late 20’s. Like me, for those wrapped up in self-inflicted violence, at the moment of cutting, pulling out the hair from the roots or pressing hot metal objects into the skin, it does have a positive impact in our minds. But, only at that moment are we deceived to believe that these things have positive results. It is within hours and sometime minutes that the feelings worsen. The act is done to fulfill that void, that desire, the tension. And the cycle repeats.

The cycle can be triggered by something a person says, something a person sees or simply a thought. The thought can persist and eventually the person may feel as though the thoughts are flooding the mind. For me, the thought needed to be acted on; if it wasn’t then I was convinced that I failed. In all honesty, although the person believes that what they are doing is a solo act done in private, this habit, or addiction as many call it, actually affects those around them.

Take a look at some occurrences that many people encounter at one time or another:

• You get cut off the road
• Stopped for speeding and given a ticket
• Break up in relationship
• Loss of job
• Death of a loved one

These things can happen to all of us. However, the way we act and react to them makes all the difference in the world. What may cause some people to read a book after a challenging day, take a warm bubble bath to relax, or go for a long run outdoors to let out steam; for some grabbing a knife and jabbing it in their thigh is their answer. They may take a metal object and press it into their skin until they feel pain, or tie their hair with string and pull it as hard as they can to rip out as much hair from their scalp as possible.  

Five Positive Steps The Self-Injurer Can Take Now

• Find a support person
• Identify and develop healthy coping skills
• Get involved in a support group
• Take the focus off the cutting by keeping busy
• Journal/write it (your tensions and concerns) out rather than act out

While one person with healthy coping skills may say “A bath calms me” or “A long run helps clear my head”, another who has yet to apply healthy skills believes that self-inflicted violence takes the edge off. That person may say “I become less tense when I take a knife to my arm until there is blood” or “banging my head against a wall relaxes me”.

The Christian faith has a tremendous impact on our actions and healthy behaviors. What changed my life was choosing to believe that Jesus truly heals. There was a moment in my life when I read that segment in the Bible about Jesus healing the man who cut himself night and day. After several hours of a heated discussion and rant with God, I decided to ask him into my life. As months went by, I found it more effective to ask God for help than to take actions into my own hands. Over the years I have received letters from men and women stating that is was only through God that they became free of self-injury.

People may be perplexed when they hear of a person who has cut, burned and hurt their body intentionally or pull their own hair out of their head. It seems alcoholism and drug addiction are better understood, even though it is all an unhealthy way of coping. Honestly if I were currently struggling with an addiction such as self-inflicted violence, I would not openly admit it to my friends, family, co-workers, or those at church. I think it is fair to say that we all fear judgment and being misunderstood.

If I were to go into an emergency room, I expect a doctor or nurse to have compassion and empathy because that is what they are trained to do; it doesn’t always happen, but that is the expectation. Among those who follow Jesus Christ that should be STANDARD. Christians especially need to display compassion, concern, caring, kindness, consideration, and empathy. Through such a display of unconditional caring and compassion, the self-injuring person will become more willing to be open and share. If someone walked up to you and shared that they harmed themselves as a way of coping what would your reaction be? If that person said “I cut” or “I just gave myself a black eye”, what would you say to that person?

 Six Steps The Support Person Can Do Now

1. LOVE the person
2. Be there for the person by listening
3. Do not isolate or punish them.
4. Get the person help
5. Identify a support group
6. Do activities to help the cutter refocus

Don’t be afraid, embrace the person, listen to what they have to say, try not to focus on the specific form of self-injurious behavior, but on what the person is expressing. I challenge you, as a caring individual to embrace a person who is struggling with self-inflicted violence or anything else. Be willing to be pushed out of your comfort zone. People don’t care about how much you know or how much of the Bible you can recite. What is going to get in the head and heart of a person struggling is that you care and you are not judging them.

There was a time in my life that I had no belief in God. I didn’t understand what it meant to have faith. Now that I have a good foundation of faith, I believe that Christians need to consistently show caring and compassion. Christians also need to pray for those in self-injury situations.

As long as there is breath in a person, there is hope!

Why Would YOU Hurt Yourself? written by Vicki Freund Duffy